I want change.

I think I just need to vent. I feel like tonight was the lowest I've felt in awhile and I truly think it's just because I'm so far passed burned out. For 3 years I have struggled to maintain happiness during my college semesters. It got so bad my health started getting affected. Since I can remember I never liked school and always felt the pressure to succeed in the things I could never understand. I am artistic. I do not think the way a mathematician thinks, a biologist thinks, or an archeologist thinks. If you set an essay on the formation of a long lost temple or the composition of a cell in front of me, I would have to read it more then once and it would take me 3 times as long to understand because these are not things my brain comprehends. The downside to being artistic is that no subjects except maybe english creative writing will make much sense. I would wish I were different and not artistic just so life would seem a bit easier. I actually WISHED to be less creative just to conform to society easier. I no longer wish for this. I wish for happiness. I wish for choice. I wish I could go to school with a smile on my face knowing that it was going to be a good day because I was where I was supposed to be.

I came to the realization today that I can't live my life like this anymore. That making money is going to HAVE to come second because I HAVE to be happy in my life and that might mean fewer dollars. I never thought this was an option before. My focus was to find a job that would pay well enough and I would study a field that would make this happen. My second focus was always happiness.

I cry most days now. I'm usually home alone so it doesn't bug anyone. It is now affecting my performance and ability to get work done. Sometimes I wonder if it's a hormonal issue or just stress. I stopped talking about the issues with my family because they have nothing else they can say. They are tired of seeing my do this and I have driven them and other close people away. I don't know how to fix this bad place I get in inside my head to be quite honest. I've gone so long like this that it's so hard to snap out of it. I just want to feel happy again and for longer then a couple hours a day.  I want to be around people other then myself. I want social interaction. I want to be able to help myself. I want change.

Windy

I'm sitting outside right now and the breeze is blowing, it's not too warm and I'm sitting under a couch which lies under a covered patio. It's still bright outside and I feel calm. 1 minute ago I was in my cave (bedroom) feeling depressed and gloomy staring at a computer screen studying. I really should remember to come outside more. I look around and I remember my past. Not bad but the good stuff. I date back to when I mentioned how lucky I was. We moved into this house 21 years ago and still remain in the same location. I have always been attached to this house because it's always been home, my only home. I know so many who don't have a place they can come back to and remember their lives there. I know this house is not perfect in the eyes of my parents. Since day one it has been a "project pit". I can't blame them for thinking that but at the same time there is not one place in or outside our house that doesn't have their stamp. I have a "Home" and that's something I'll always be proud to say.

As for school right now I am trying to stay as positive as possible. One day at a time. Finals are over in a week now and it's all I can think about. By far this has been my most challenging semester thus far which I expected. You just don't really know what you got yourself into though until you actually start though. I have a thing for quotes and I have been reminding myself of some lately to keep me from drowning in my own pool of stress. Today it was "Fear is not the enemy, it is the compass pointing you in the direction you need to grow." I realized how true this is. I need to grow still so much because my compass has been pointing north and I've been running south a good chunk of my life. Now that I've been trying to change my direction I see how many obstacles still lie ahead. I wonder if these challenges life gives us go on until our last days on earth or if they slow down. One thing is known, life is never a steady thing. Life is windy, and I still have a lot more wind to walk through.

Drained

My midterms are in 1 week and 1.5 weeks. That's what has been going through my head every single day for the passed 4 days. I've had tough midterms before but never one I felt truly unprepared for. Up until a couple days ago I was soaring in Math, I'd finally got the system down pat and it was stuff I have already done in a previous class so I was doing fine. Monday was the first chapter I hit a wall, I hadn't done any of it before and I just wasn't understanding it. Over and over I got blocked, it was as if it was the first 2 weeks of school all over again. Mathematics is something I will always struggle to truly understand. I can burn the formulas into my brain if I do them 50 times but then a slight change is made, or something is added to it and thats when theres a block. Tonight I was working on the same chapter for 2.5 hours, till 10:30pm and I just felt a whirlwind of numbers and formulas spinning in my head and I was ready to lose it again. I thought math was going fine and now I have this to worry about too. I'm not sure if it's my entire day consisting of school, being in my house every single day, the time frame I have to get everything done, or just being flat-out drained that's put me in such a bad place just over 4 days. For the last 3 days I've coughed up blood again, it could be stress but I don't know. When mom caught my worst breakdown yesterday she said everything would be fine and she would help with the review. It lifted some weight off of my stress. I literally would not be able to complete the review by the due date on top of my weekly work without her help. I hope someday I'll be able to pay her back for the help she has done for me my entire life.

Every night I go to bed and try to push it out of my brain because that's what I do when I'm stressed, I obsess over everything I should have done differently that day and how it'll impact the next day. I stress, obsess, stress, like a constant sick cycle that consumes me.

Even though I know it does nothing, I can't help but keep thinking about how pointless yet required this all is and has been for 3 years. Till the day I die I will never understand the education system.

I once read a quote that stated how we spend half our time, energy and focus trying to understand what we are worst in, and can you imagine the possibilities that could have happened had that energy been purely put into what we do understand and are great in?

How little sense it makes to me that people will spend a large chunk of their education years (general requirements) working long and hard on subjects they are worst in, and will probably never use in their careers. And can you imagine the things they could accomplish if they could have put all that time into what they are great in.

I think about this all the time. What if I had been able to spend these last 3 years purely on art and my graphic design degree. What kind of things would I know right now? How much happier would I be? Nothing I can do about it, the system is what it is, you serve your time and then you can do what you will actually benefit from. Wow that sounded like a prison reference haha.

To those I love, I am sorry for the stress I've been in and that you've seen the meltdowns, I'm sorry that I have to ask for so much of your help but I love you and please keep your patience...

Wow 2 years...

I was just thinking about my time in the hospital tonight and it reminded me of the blog I did. My personal journal of the life I live. It's a shame really I was too forgetful and lazy to keep posting over the past 2 years because these things remind you of memories. I was just reading over my first post on here and a few others and it reminded me of my journey. Quite a long way I have come, mentally and physically. Challenged still arise all the time but I don't feel so hopeless now. Stress has been a factor lately but some point I'll learn how to manage it better. My doctors visits PFT numbers since my last post have either gone up or been stable. I feel like I am finally becoming me again but a better me. I'm in my 6th semester at MCC trying to finish my AA degree so I can move on to ASU (finally). I still hate school with all passion but thats because I'm still stuck doing the worst part of my bachelors, the General Education mandatory crap haha. I'm counting the days. I have been coughing up more blood lately because I think my lungs are just scarred so it's something to watch. I'm really glad I read over my posts. It brought back reality for me and how lucky I am right now to be in my home, be outside, be able to be free and go when I please.  (Oh and by the way I have still stuck to my working out 4 days a week for who knows how long now) I can officially say I have stuck to something and for that I am proud. I am also proud of what I have accomplished in school the past 3 years. I'm 21 now and I am steps closer to the person I want to be. Just gotta keep fighting. 

Knowing, Truly Isn't Always What's Best.

Goodness it's been a long time since I blogged (Bad Me). But here is what happened a month after Dr. Gong put me on the oral drugs. 

I went in the morning of the test feeling mixed feelings. I tried to feel positive this time but it kind of came off more as an "I can't do anything about it now" attitude. To be honest I was expecting to hear the hospital news this time around. For the entire month I did everything possible to help and worked my ass off. This time I knew what I was going to do different though. I was going to cover up the screen that gave my PFT numbers and not have anyone tell me what they are. My PFT woman is always good at hiding any and all emotion when asked. So I went in and I did the test, and I had no idea what the outcome was. I sat quietly in the waiting room and my mum came in. I looked up from my hands and she asked me if I wanted to know the numbers. I could see a slight smile so I just said, "Are they better?" That's all I wanted was an up and not a down. She nodded and my whole body relaxed. I didn't even know by how much but the release sent out a flood of tears. It's been a long time since I actually cried of happiness and relief instead of terror and pain and it felt good. I just let it all come out and just remember thinking about god and how my work had paid off for once. I'm really not religious and always keep it to myself but I've always believed. It gives me hope to think there is extra help sometimes received when asked for or needed. At that moment I couldn't help but wonder if someone somewhere was giving me a break or if it was all me, or both? Either way I was grateful and just let myself enjoy the moment. When Dr. Gong came in we had to reassure him that these were happy tears and not angry ones. He was relieved and we had a few words before he stood up and said, "3 months." With a slight smile. I gave a huge smile back before he left. It's been awhile since I heard 3 months instead of 1 or even 2 weeks. It was a beautiful day that I won't forget and car ride home. "Free" I thought. Even if only for 3 months it was what I needed. I also think that not knowing my score was a huge help. I felt calm and that could have made a big difference. Now I know that knowing, truly isn't always what's best. 

Part 2: Sometimes knowing isn't what's best

So I enter the testing room feeling numb and take my first shot. Immediately I check the screen to see the numbers. WHAM. It's like a bus hit me dead on. I was down, and not just by a little. I felt nothing. Just stared at the screen that viewed 45%. I couldn't breathe, all I could see was the memory of an IV being jammed into my arm and a gas mask put over my face. I wanted to scream. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!" I thought. "WHY CAN'T I JUST GET BETTER?!"I fell into a nearby chair and put my hands on my head pretending to be somewhere else. I was way passed gone now. After forcing myself into more tests to try and bring the number up I hit my tops with about 48%. Still down. I don't remember much after that other than just shaking my head in the waiting room. Mom mentioned that ever since I started looking at my numbers, I have gotten lower percentages. She was right. I was so focused on that screen that the stress had caused me to panic, then perform more poorly. Looking at the numbers helped me out absolutely ZERO. In fact, I think it made me worse. Dr. Gong could see the look on my face. One he'd seen before; the face of no hope. He gets me and I like that. I was put on 3 weeks of an oral drug and was requested back in a month. It was up to me now to keep trying and keep doing what I was doing. I'm not very religious but every night I'd pray for a change. That's when I realized, sometimes knowing isn't what's best.

Part 1: Sometimes knowing isn't what's best.

This post is going to feel like a downer BUT it gives an important message at the end in Part 2 (coming soon) so bare with me! Lets start at the beginning...

I had another follow up visit to the doctors last Monday. I'd successfully been able to completely block this out of my mind the week prior. Obviously I worked out as hard as my body would let me but I focussed more on other things. Lex came down to coach too so that helped a lot. The morning of, I was still pretty good but could feel some anger creeping. I had a bad feeling and was particularily negative that day. I felt the fury when I saw the building. Like it was out to get me or trap me inside its prison. Ever since the 2 week hospital stay it's been harder and harder to look at it. I feel defensless. I personally felt great but often the numbers want to tell me otherwise. I sat anxiously in the room trying techniques to relax but I was having a tough time with control. Regretably I snapped at my mother because she just happened to be the first person I saw. I was clearly losing control over my emotions and just completely shutup before the raging bitch could come out even further. I have no idea why I had mentally felt so different this time from the last. What was wrong with me? Dr. Gong came in before the test and I felt a bit more at ease. I gave him a gift that I made.

A couple visits back Dr. Gong told me a personal story about himself. This was a first. He said that when he was a kid, he'd visit his grandparents in Hawaii and there was a really thick forest nearby. He always thought there were dinosaurs inside and was terrified of it. We laughed and the story stuck in my head. It was hard to think of him actually being afraid of anything. I photoshopped him a picture (shown below) of a boy running away from dinosaurs in a forest. I could tell by his face that he loved it and with that it was time for my test...