I want change.

I think I just need to vent. I feel like tonight was the lowest I've felt in awhile and I truly think it's just because I'm so far passed burned out. For 3 years I have struggled to maintain happiness during my college semesters. It got so bad my health started getting affected. Since I can remember I never liked school and always felt the pressure to succeed in the things I could never understand. I am artistic. I do not think the way a mathematician thinks, a biologist thinks, or an archeologist thinks. If you set an essay on the formation of a long lost temple or the composition of a cell in front of me, I would have to read it more then once and it would take me 3 times as long to understand because these are not things my brain comprehends. The downside to being artistic is that no subjects except maybe english creative writing will make much sense. I would wish I were different and not artistic just so life would seem a bit easier. I actually WISHED to be less creative just to conform to society easier. I no longer wish for this. I wish for happiness. I wish for choice. I wish I could go to school with a smile on my face knowing that it was going to be a good day because I was where I was supposed to be.

I came to the realization today that I can't live my life like this anymore. That making money is going to HAVE to come second because I HAVE to be happy in my life and that might mean fewer dollars. I never thought this was an option before. My focus was to find a job that would pay well enough and I would study a field that would make this happen. My second focus was always happiness.

I cry most days now. I'm usually home alone so it doesn't bug anyone. It is now affecting my performance and ability to get work done. Sometimes I wonder if it's a hormonal issue or just stress. I stopped talking about the issues with my family because they have nothing else they can say. They are tired of seeing my do this and I have driven them and other close people away. I don't know how to fix this bad place I get in inside my head to be quite honest. I've gone so long like this that it's so hard to snap out of it. I just want to feel happy again and for longer then a couple hours a day.  I want to be around people other then myself. I want social interaction. I want to be able to help myself. I want change.