Knowing, Truly Isn't Always What's Best.

Goodness it's been a long time since I blogged (Bad Me). But here is what happened a month after Dr. Gong put me on the oral drugs. 

I went in the morning of the test feeling mixed feelings. I tried to feel positive this time but it kind of came off more as an "I can't do anything about it now" attitude. To be honest I was expecting to hear the hospital news this time around. For the entire month I did everything possible to help and worked my ass off. This time I knew what I was going to do different though. I was going to cover up the screen that gave my PFT numbers and not have anyone tell me what they are. My PFT woman is always good at hiding any and all emotion when asked. So I went in and I did the test, and I had no idea what the outcome was. I sat quietly in the waiting room and my mum came in. I looked up from my hands and she asked me if I wanted to know the numbers. I could see a slight smile so I just said, "Are they better?" That's all I wanted was an up and not a down. She nodded and my whole body relaxed. I didn't even know by how much but the release sent out a flood of tears. It's been a long time since I actually cried of happiness and relief instead of terror and pain and it felt good. I just let it all come out and just remember thinking about god and how my work had paid off for once. I'm really not religious and always keep it to myself but I've always believed. It gives me hope to think there is extra help sometimes received when asked for or needed. At that moment I couldn't help but wonder if someone somewhere was giving me a break or if it was all me, or both? Either way I was grateful and just let myself enjoy the moment. When Dr. Gong came in we had to reassure him that these were happy tears and not angry ones. He was relieved and we had a few words before he stood up and said, "3 months." With a slight smile. I gave a huge smile back before he left. It's been awhile since I heard 3 months instead of 1 or even 2 weeks. It was a beautiful day that I won't forget and car ride home. "Free" I thought. Even if only for 3 months it was what I needed. I also think that not knowing my score was a huge help. I felt calm and that could have made a big difference. Now I know that knowing, truly isn't always what's best.