A lesson learned

So I tend to let my surroundings get to me and change my mood. This group for example, loud and completely immature. When the adviser left is when every ones true colors come out. Let's just say they were talking about things that no stranger needed to know. When I'm around negative people I tend to absorb their toxic energy instead of brush it off. I wanted to tell all of them to shut up but I wasn't really in the mood to make enemies. I decided to strike up a normal conversation with the girl across from me who was really nice and helped pass the time away. The adviser came back in, "Ok, is this the last test for some of you guys then? Great watch this video on using this calculator and I'll be back in a few minutes." I'll admit the video was pretty lame and unnecessary but I guess extra info can't hurt. Finally we were told to start. "I can do this, it won't be too bad." HA! Well, turns out that test was pretty darn hard. It was nothing like my practice tests for whatever odd reason and I found myself unable to answer one question after another. "Oh god, why can't I answer these?" My hand started shaking and I could feel my eyes filling with water. This hadn't happened on the other tests but I was more confident in those. I tried to take a deep breath but it wasn't helping. I HAD to get out of that room NOW! My anxiety became such a distraction that I couldn't focus on the math problems, they were a blur. It felt pointless to stay and I was about 2 seconds away from walking out the door.
I realized that I'd feel like a bigger failure if I'd just walked out.  I didn't want to quit this time after something got hard unlike before. I had something to prove whether I passed or not. I tried to shake it off and look harder at the questions again. The second half was better but after I finished I still wasn't feeling too great. The car ride home was a quiet one. I had nothing to say. I didn't even want to look at my score when I got home. I wanted this so bad. In the top right corner of the screen I saw that six letter word. Passed.  I stared in complete disbelief for a few seconds and embarrassingly started to weep ha. I just kept staring at the screen. Two years I studied for this test and I could finally say I graduated!! Sounds dumb how big I'm making sound since it's just high school, but passing it actually proved something I needed to see. If I'd gotten up and walked out like I wanted I wouldn't have passed but instead I sucked it up and ended up passing. I proved myself wrong. This was a huge lesson learned that I won't forget. Every morning now I wake up forgetting I don't have to study. It's pretty weird and amazing. I don't even want to think about college yet I just want to enjoy this for a little bit. Bottom line, I'm not a numbers girl but who cares! I'd much rather be better at creative things anyways.

4 out of 5, ✓

I was pretty afraid of this science test because science is so hard for me to comprehend. It seemed like the tests got harder after each one I took which would explain my anxiety increasing every time I went back. I was hoping the questions would click more than they did in my practice test but I was heavily doubting myself. There was a lot of kids this time again I guess I just got lucky the first time when all but 5 cancelled. I kept calm though and actually felt pretty good about the test. I got the score back when I got home and was shocked. They were better than history and even reading!!! Then it dawned on me that I had completed 4/5 now that I never had to look back on. I felt GREAT. It was still hard to really relax until that fifth one was done though. The big one, my biggest struggle out of all of them, math. I hadn't even studied for math because I was studying for the tests before it. This meant that I had 2 days to cram anything I could into my head. It didn't seem possible. I started looking at some practice tests and my old books. It was ugly, I had forgotten so much! I didn't leave the book until I recognized some of it or until things started clicking again. It's amazing how some problems can click and how others you just don't have a clue. I started to panic the second night when I realized how unprepared I felt. I just felt like there was so much riding on this test because it was the last and only one left keeping me from graduating. I've always been hard on myself to do well even as a kid. Not even my parents understood why. They were never the ones to put that kind of pressure on me. I think I just wanted that feeling of being the best so bad that anything lower made me feel like a failure. It's completely ridiculous. So here I was completely stressed out about tomorrow and still coughing from my cold. I couldn't even think about the CF right now I had too much on my mind. I took another practice test in the morning and then just as before we were on our way. When I sat down at the desk,  I suddenly got that reality shock, the one where your stomach sinks into your butt and you can't even focus. It never hit me before on the previous tests so why now!? I needed someone to slap me out of my daze. I stared up at the loud clock just WAITING for it to start. "tick....tick...tick...ti" "COME ON!"

The other part of life

Well I was on cloud nine after getting my history and reading test scores but in the car I noticed my throat feeling raw. I didn't think anything of it because this happens all the time due to my drainage I get from my sinus problems I've have forever. It usually goes away in a day or even a few hours. The next morning I noticed it still hurt and now it was more of a burn. "No, it couldn't possibly be..." I didn't want to believe that MAYBE I might be getting...sick. "This can't be I've been super careful!" I convinced myself it was still nothing since my nose was totally fine until a couple days later and suddenly it actually hit me. I was sick. My worst nightmare had actually just happened and I had no idea what to even think about it. I was dumbfounded. It had been at least a year since my last cold, I was always so careful. I realized this was the other part of life happening. The part when it has to bring you down to stay grounded. After sun comes rain, and after rain come sun. It's a cycle that balances nature, like the crappy things that balance us I guess. I still say get rid of the crap but hey, that's just my opinion. I was all too used to this "other part". I hated it. It just added stress and made things complicated. I was so depressed about getting sick and was already creating conclusions in my head about what might happen. I was good at this, terrible habit. The hospital came into my head too "NO! I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN!!" That night in bed I thought about my great uncle Jim. He'd be ashamed to see me act this way. He'd say that shit happens and it's how you deal with it that matters. I decided I'd change my game plan. "You're sick, you can't reverse it, so do what you gotta do and focus on getting better." I did an extra treatment everyday and pushed myself working out. I was on top of things. I realized I had my writing test the next day so I was concerned about my runny nose while I had to take it. How ironic that I was assigned a seat to stay away from sick kids and now they all wanted to stay away from me. Well at least I didn't have to worry about that but I felt like caca! I wasn't too worried about writing, it was my best subject but I was nervous about the essay time limit. I was surprised to see the Breakfast Club gang didn't show up but a lot of others did. The room was full. My essay topic was "Something or someone you didn't like but now do." I was completely clueless, I couldn't think of anyone! Only people of which I still don't like so that didn't work. "I guess I could do a thing instead of a person?" but that didn't help either. I honestly got so desperate I almost started writing about hating salad when I was a kid. Could you imagine an entire paper on salad? Suddenly an idea popped into my head after wasting 5 minutes. My Doctor! When I was first diagnosed Dr. Gong wasn't the happiest guy in fact for a while he scared me silent. It wasn't until I was 11that things changed and I saw the real him. Now I trust him completely and feel like I can talk to him not just as a doctor. We understand each other. He was perfect for the paper and by the end of it I was pleased with my essay. I guess the graders were too because I got a high score on it and passed. 3 down 2 to go.

Today I took the science test. I'll let you know what happened in my next post.

Testing Jitters

It's been a while since my last post but lately things have been very hectic. Last week mom and I drove down to MCC to register me for my GED test. I was so stressed out driving there and I wasn't even taking the test that day! I get pretty severe anxiety before things are going to happen but I told myself, "This is something you HAVE to do and you're going to do it no matter what happens." I knew I couldn't get out of this one just like I couldn't get out of getting my license. It's one of those things you just have to do in life. So while registering I started to relax and try to feel used to the atmosphere a little. "I can do this." We split the test up so I would do reading and history on Monday, writing and essay on Thursday, then the remaining science and math the following week. Sunday I studied for history since it's not my best subject and the next day I was off to MCC again.
Now this was real I thought but I knew I could handle it. My main concern was if I could get the test done in time. There was only five people including me in the room because a lot of kids cancelled. I had requested the chair furthest in the back to be away from anyone that might be sick and to help with the anxiety. It definitely helped, it was nice not to be right on top of someone. We had 15 minutes before it started so I looked around. You had the older guy who felt out of place, the quiet kid in the front, the jock kid, the art freak (me) and of course...the trouble maker (currently scratching the desk with ink). I felt like I was in a Breakfast Club remake. We were quite the group. Finally it was time to get the test over with. We started with reading and it was going ok. I told myself not to look around at everyone else because if I saw someone way ahead of me I might panic. "Just look at the paper." Well, of course something caught my eye and it was none other than the trouble maker. He was...sleeping, and every once in a while he'd jot down a few answers and doze off again. He was also the first person to finish early. This was the type of kid who could fall asleep in class, not even try, and still get an A+. The secret genius who gets into trouble. After it was over he was on the phone talking about how stupid and easy and test was. I wanted to throw my pen at his face because I thought the test was  hard. I just had to laugh though and not care at this point, my score was the only one that mattered.
When we got home we were sent my score via email pretty fast. I was nervous because I thought for sure I'd have to retake history since I hadn't a clue about most of the questions.
Reading: Passed
History:...PASSED! just 3 more to go.
I could breathe for 2 days before I had to take the next test and get a good sleep.

Over the weekend I'll write about what has happened since then since I'm out of room. Things got pretty...difficult and I now have a new challenge to face. But, I am thinking positive!