Simba

It's been a month now into school and I feel pretty good. I'm stressed but not to the point of breaking down, I feel myself getting a little stronger (mentally). Mum bought a treadmill right after my doctors appointment and I love it! I've been doing it everyday and actually enjoy it. It's meant for speed walking at the most which is perfect for me. It also has an iPod dock so I could listen to music without needing headphones. After my first few times on it I was drenched. The last time I remember sweating that much were my softball days. I felt good and was also looking to shed off my summers worth of junk food too.

We recently went up to Flagstaff twice to watch Lex play volleyball and I got to be in my happy place. Since we had time to kill we walked over to an art festival they had going on in a park. After walking through it we laid down some blankets in the grass and just people watched. When the weather is perfect, I feel my best and boy was it perfect. I could have laid there for hours, days, I didn't care. I sat up and just as I did I caught something passing by. A woman had one of those frontal baby carriers on and guess what was inside? It wasn't a baby, no this was much cuter than any baby on earth. It was the smallest puff of a dog I've ever seen. Like the size of my guinea pig. You couldn't even see his body, just the head popping out. Mum and my eyes were glued as the woman walked a few yards passed us and sat down. It didn't take long for us to stand up and walk over. His name was Simba, 8 1/2 weeks old and was half Yorkie half Pom. He could hardly walk 2 feet without getting tired. It was funny to think a dog could possibly be so small. We said our good-byes and spent another 20 minutes under the tree.

Our second trip to Flag was a bit colder. It was pretty chilly but I still preferred it that way over 110 degrees. Two of Lex's friends (CC & Jordan) surprised her at the game, one of which she hadn't seen in 2 years. She ended up playing her best match in a long time and I felt truly happy for her. Seeing her hug Jordan reminded me of one of my own friendships. I haven't seen him in about a year and a half now and it's been hard. He moved to Italy to pursue college and I stayed in AZ. Thanks to technology we can still talk a lot but I still miss him. Until the day I can travel out of the country, I continue to have patience. 

When Lazy bites back

It had been a little while since my last doctors visit but I honestly just forgot one was even coming up. I was so worked up about college I didn't even think about what was most important. So when mom announced the news I was pretty taken back and flustered. I had done no exercise for the past 3 months and I knew it. I felt no different then usual but one thing I learned is just because my body doesn't feel different, doesn't mean it isn't. Truth was I was a lazy sack of peanuts when it came to motivation and exercise. The only thing I really enjoyed doing physically was walking. I'm not going to make excuses for myself but it has been 110 degrees out (literally) for a solid 4 months and when it's hot, I'm grumpy.

I was now in a panic realizing that I was too late and was furious with myself for letting stupid things get in the way of something so important.
I was pretty down the morning of, and felt like I was walking into bad news before I even walked into the building.
As I went into the PFT testing room I tried to be optimistic. I chatted with the woman that usually ran the PFT test for a while and expressed my concerns. She usually helped calm my nerves.
After the test I saw the result on the computer screen. I was down 9%.
9%.......It hit me like a rock and I started to panic. The only word I remember thinking was "oh shit."  

Dr. Gong came in, in a good mood but he hadn't seen my numbers yet. He was in a good mood and I was not, ironic right? When he saw my face he knew something was up and I could tell he felt bad.
I was luckily put on an oral antibiotic to see if that would help and was sent on my way. I didn't speak in the car, just thought about things. My life was a gift and I was abusing it with not doing my job. Now I had to work my ass off again or I knew what news would be next, and I was NOT ok with "next."

Just Ask

After a lot of discussion I decided the best thing for me right now was to drop the class and I'm not ashamed at that. Bottom line, I'm a full time college student and that's what matters right now. For this semester I made a promise that I would start doing the smaller steps I'd always avoid.
Overall I'm relieved and ready to focus on my online courses.

The morning I dropped the classes I knew I had to have a backup plan to make sure I could get into some online. Turns out there are a lot of late start classes so I browsed, and browsed, and browsed. I must have gone through the list 20 times. In the end I FINALLY signed up for Adobe Photoshop (online) and College Strategies. The cool thing was that my healthful living class was a two month class and so was the college strategies to when I was done with health I'd start the strategies class. The bummer was they were cram classes so more work. Either way I would be at home in a comfy environment so who the hell was I to complain.

I will admit though I had....quite a meltdown the second day of my online classes.
I basically tried to do a crap load of work in one day thinking I could handle it and didn't ask anyone for help. Big mistake, I completely overloaded myself the first couple days and pretty much went into a mental breakdown, Major mental breakdown. I can't remember the last time I'd felt That depressed. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. One night I was sitting on my bedroom floor crying. I started hyperventilating. I've only had two panic attacks this bad in my life, the last one was in 7th grade.

I eventually explained what was going on to mum and dad. It was a hard talk but in the end I felt way better and they made me realize that I was just simply overwhelmed and unorganized. They are always there to talk to and make me feel better even when we'd argue.
I finally slept that night and realized that help is always around....You just had to ask.

Mr. Late

I was signed up for English (online), Healthful Living (online), Adobe Photoshop and Drawing.

It was the night before my first drawing class and I felt sick to my stomach. I had spent the passed two days completely depressed and unable to sleep. A million things ran in my mind. This was a harder for me to swallow because I knew I couldn't just get up and leave if I got anxious.
Earlier I'd had my doctors write a letter in regards to special accommodations involving my CF and anxiety. Still I felt like I'd be trapped. Mum and dad were so supportive too about it all. I had a heart to heart with them and decided that I'd try to get through the first day at least so I wouldn't regret running again. I agreed. Who would I be if I quit without even trying the first day. So I got up early, tried to eat and got in the car.

My mind wasn't blank this time, it was full of thoughts. When I parked I sat for a few moments trying to relax. I felt the sweat forming on my neck. I didn't know if it was nerves or the 110° temperature. Either way it was 4 minutes till and I was going to get out of the damn car.

I felt my hand shaking as I opened the classroom door completely blind to what I was going to see. Only 5 students were seated so I got a chair in the back corner. "Just breathe" I thought. I saw the teacher and decided to just watch and see how I felt. The class filled up and she started her lesson about the syllabus. About 10 minutes into her lecture the door opens and in walks Mr. Late. I could already tell by his laid back attitude and style that he was probably a character. He came and sat next to me, I was about to say hi but the teacher was still lecturing. 

I noticed 4 girls sneezing and coughing and felt my body tense up. I was afraid this would happen. It was the first day and already germs flying around the room. I was incredibly grateful who I was sitting next to and that it wasn't one of them. How was I going to deal with the sick thing? 

After about 1 1/2 hours of the lecture we all went up and grabbed paper and two crayons since we didn't have our supplies yet. Shown below was the project we all had to do. You basically take two crayons and make some loop-d-loops on the paper and then fill them in with patterns. I really liked this project, it didn't count towards anything but it was fun. I could feel poor Mr. Late struggling a little for ideas. This was probably not his forte but he really seamed to be trying.

After the class I went home and was proud I stuck it out through the whole thing. Now I just had to figure out if I was going to keep it or drop it. My biggest worry was the sneezing. If people were sick in the summer it would only get worse towards winter. I wish I had some amazing power that could keep me from catching a cold forever. I'd feel so much freedom!!!
Well either way I was going to have another chat with mum and dad...

My Pattern Piece