All A's

Now its time to talk about how school has been for the passed months. As I've already mentioned in previous posts I started out with a pretty rough start mentally. It was a shock and took probably about 3 weeks until I could get used to it. I had no idea what that kind of structure was like and having such harsh deadlines. It was scary and I just had to take it day by day. I was more stressed about school than what even happened with my health. I noticed something though. I got better. I got help and little by little I was handling more on my own. I had one other break down which is normal but I felt myself becoming tougher mentally. I pushed myself because there was no option. I hated it but I did it. When I ended early on the 13th it had to of been one of the greatest days of my life. Seems silly but other than my GED I couldn't remember the last time I completed and stuck to something difficult without running. I felt amazing and honestly proud of myself for proving something. I cried, I panicked, I stressed and I kept going. It made me realize that part of why I kept up my exercising was because of school. Well, that and my health of course. I felt motivated and like I was doing something with my life. I felt normal. My christmas break was fantastic. I realized for the first time ever I truly knew what the feeling of a "break" felt like. I woke up one day thinking I had something due and didn't. I was so happy I had a month. It has gone by so fast and I start again tomorrow. I can't say I'm excited, in fact I got nauseas just thinking about it. But anyways, I got all A's and am going to try and not stress about it. I'm taking english 102, human development, merchandising, and marketing. We'll see how it goes. Each semester with be different. I feel positive as of now and the other day dad came in and said something that caught my attention. He mentioned that since I've been sticking to things I've seemed different. Happier and had more energy. He was right I just didn't realize it was showing. So thats the update on that so far and I already have my next post in mind. It's more on the funny side. Until then...au revoir!

I'm back!

It's been awhile since I posted anything on my blog. I am totally blaming this on my english class this last semester. It made me dislike writing for a bit and the forced papers really just ticked me off. I am back now though but WARNING: I am taking english 2 for this coming semester so bare with me. haha. I don't even know how to sum up the last 3 months. I'm actually looking back at my last blog post to see where I left off ha! Well, I'll start with my lungs.

The last few doctor visits are a bit hazy in my head. My most previous visit left me with no change at all. The visit before that one I remember a bit more. Something happened that has never happened to me before in all 18 years. I cried in the testing room. Up until about a year ago I didn't know what the numbers all meant on the screen in front of me. It was all confusing so I never bothered to ask. Now I know what to look for and which numbers mattered most. After my first blow I immediately looked at the screen. I had dropped. Suddenly, I could think of nothing but the hospital and I was in hysterics. I bit my tongue hoping it would stop the tears. I had to ask the pulmonologist to please bring my mother into the room for support. I've never had to do that either. It was then that I realized how much damage the hospital did to me mentally. I was so stressed out that morning that I could hardly eat. During my sobb-fest I appreciated the pulmonologist not speaking or judging me. They were obviously used to this reaction from other patients. Still I was grateful. I hated crying in front of people, it made me feel weak. After some needed time and talking, my amazing mother helped me regain my attitude and I was ready to try another round of tests. I knew the more I relaxed the better it would go so I stood there quietly for a few minutes until I could breathe normally again. I gave it a go and my numbers were up higher, about 4%. I couldn't get more than that though. I left still feeling defeated but incredibly grateful my mother was there. I felt the tears again when we got back to the room. I wanted to go home and sleep and think things over. I had been working out now for little while but still wasn't seeing the improvement on my numbers. Of course my terrible, and unrealistic mind said, "All that work, for nothing." I swear my negativity stems from all the shit I waste my time thinking about. I couldn't think of one happy thing, I couldn't crack one smile. And my poor doctor had to walk in on that. I regret my reaction and attitude I showed him. He didn't deserve it. I was just tired, tired of these numbers. Tired of seeing all of their faces. Tired of the stupid white walls, the tests, the forms and the month to month visits. I was so angry. Turns out my numbers went up 1-2% from last time. I wanted more but I should have been grateful for even that. When I went home I didn't stop my workouts, I didn't want to quit that. If anything, the reminder from the visit just pushed me harder.

Since then (as I've said before) my numbers haven't changed but he gave me three months instead of one for some reason. Since then I have acted more maturely in the office and decided to just accept things.
I feel happier because I have stuck truly to my workouts, even still. I breathe 10 times easier on the treadmill, and have finished a full semester of school. (With all A's). But I'll talk more about school in my next post. So that's part 1 of the update for now. I will try so much harder to keep this updated more often now so I don't have to do these loooooong part 1, part 2 things.