Que the Elevator Music...♪♪..♫♩...♪

Student Orientation.

I was nervous the day of going, really nervous. I pushed it aside the whole day until 2 hours before. The  word "What if?" kept flashing through my mind. "What if someone sick sits next to me? What if I'm asked a question I can't answer? What if I forget to write something down?" I had no idea what to expect at this thing.
It was 10 minutes till and I HAD to leave if I wasn't going to show up late. I walked out the door slowly and when I reached the car my stomach did a flip. I must have looked as white as a ghost. My first instinct was "TURN AROUND NOW AND WALK AWAY" but then I felt something else happen. I felt myself say...no. I was not going to run, especially from this. This was a small step that could hugely benefit me and I knew I had to get in the car and just drive. That's what I did, just drove and didn't think. I'd somehow set my mind to Blank. When I got to the elevator I noticed about 15 kids waiting as well. The nerves kicked in a little bit. It was an awkward ride up. I've always hated elevators because of that awkward silence everyone feels. I always feel like laughing because everyone's usually thinking..."Should I hit the button, no I'll just look at the ceiling or maybe I should look at the door?" It's funny what it does to people. I myself looked at the door and prayed nobody would sneeze on me.

When I walked into the building I saw lots of chairs and a projector in the front. Not a lot of people were there yet so I got a seat in the back. I looked around while waiting to get a good look at everyone. As far as the guys went, Cute? yes, Tall? no. Figures.
The whole speech went pretty fast. The woman doing it was really nice and could tell was trying really hard to keep us from falling asleep. I made a note to talk to her afterwards.
I started drifting during the lecture without realizing it and my legs had gone numb. I wasn't anxious anymore though and that felt really good. I'd felt proud that I got through it and liked the feeling. When I got home I felt like a had broke down a chunk of the wall I had been building up over the years and finally felt confident in myself.

A change of course

Unlike Collins College, MCC required 3 placement tests before enrollment like most colleges.

Just three, just 20 questions each, just.....a test.

"TESSST" ←(Seems like something a snake would say ha).

Not a word I took lightly. It's been that way since I walked out in 7th grade (see previous post) leaving my unfinished test behind. It never fails to always flashback in my head during these moments.

I was pretty stressed out about how I was going to handle these tests when the time came.

Before I knew it, it was time to go and get it over with. I had studied with the online practice example and decided to just take writing to start with.

I was surprisingly ok in the car and about half way walking to the center before WHAM! Out of no where a panic attack. I felt my throat closing up and the nausea flooding in. I knew I had to change my course to try and calm down or I'd just want to run again. I went into the science building and sat at the cafe for a few minutes. It helped a lot. I stood back up and walked back to the testing building.

I was shown to my seat which I was happy happened to be in the corner and away from any possible sick people. The questions flew by pretty fast and I walked out feel pretty good. Turns out I was one point away from honers english. I thought I was done for the day when mum encouraged me to go back in and do reading. My first thought was NO ha, however, she convinced me to sit back down and go for round 2.

All the words were fuzzy as I read them over and over, and over and about 8-20 actually made sense. I still got a good score and was just 10 points shy of testing out of reading completely. I was satisfied but knew I'd probably be back to try reading again so I wouldn't have to take the class. 

I left with an MCC ID in my hand. I'd never had a school ID before but in a strange way it made me feel...normal. Hard part was over, now I just had to sign up for classes!

7th Grade

Today I'm going to share a little story.

In 7th grade after 7 years of being home schooled I wanted to try something new. I wanted to be around kids and have friends. It was also a year after my sister went into public school and I felt very alone. We researched schools that wouldn't have many kids and ended up finding a charter school with about 40 students. I was so excited and remember the jitters the first day of starting. The day went pretty smooth and I met two friends during lunch. Everything was great.
Over time each week that went by seemed to become more and more of a struggle for me to handle and I put more and more pressure on myself to be the best in class. I remember the day my math teacher told me I did the best on the exam and what a great feeling that was to hear. From there on out anything lower than that to me was unacceptable. I started stressing myself out to the point of tears and spending 3-5 hours on homework. After 2 1/2 months of this I just broke down. I had lost 10 pounds because I had no appetite and was emotionally drained.
I was sitting in history class one day when the teacher passed out a test. I looked at each question over and over and realized that I couldn't answer a single one. Panic hit and I just broke down right then and there, right in class. I sat there frozen as I heard everyone else filling in bubbles, I felt so stupid and just thought, "What's wrong with me?"
I had no idea what anxiety attacks were or what was happening to me. I was taken out of the room and had a long talk with one of the other teachers. When I went home I never went back. My parents withdrew from the school still confused about what had gone so wrong and I was back to square one. Ever since I have had nightmares about tests and remember the embarrassment of that day.
That was when my anxiety developed and now after 5 years of never facing it I am going to look it straight in the eye in 11 days.

Positive thought about College #1
A chance to start fresh and break my habits of running.

Scholars=Dollars

Once I had my college figured out I could finally apply for some scholarships to hopefully pay for some  schooling. I didn't really know where to start but I was referred to the website fastweb.com to do the work for me. Once I filled in my info it popped up 29 scholarships I was eligible for. After looking over all of them I got started. The first few just required to submit info about myself, the others required short essays.

My first essay submission was on the topic, "Why do you deserve this award."
It was a simple question but not necessarily had a simple answer. So I wrote in pure honesty. I write best that way.
I expressed my passion and love for art and how it was a huge outlet in escaping some of the hard times. I  talked about my past a bit and how being awarded a scholarship would also prove something to myself. Most important, I talked about how my parents had to take the burden of paying all my CF expenses since I was 2 and by receiving scholarships I'd finally feel like I can give something back to them after 18 years.

They deserved it. They push me when it's needed and if it weren't for their advice, I would not have enrolled in college.
I may get the award and I may not but I can at least know that I tried. Besides I have 25 more still to apply for so I best sign off now and get back to work!
Wish me luck with my entries! I'll post more about them soon.  

"Pixie Dust"

It's that time, the time of choosing colleges and making hard decisions about your future. Adulthood. The time when you have to leave the simplicity of childhood behind along with the playground and hope for the best in whatever is to come. It's a pretty hard thing to swallow for anyone.

I knew the "college talk" was coming any day now just as the "GED talk" did. It still caught me off guard though after I sat down in the morning with my coffee in hand. I'll admit, the more mum and I talked the easier it was.

The choices for my schools were either MCC or Collin's College.
Though I dreamed about life in a more cultural place my whole life, family came first and I knew I'd miss home too often had I gone out of state and it was expensive. Another issue was that my CF doctors were all located here. So I knew I'd have to find culture another way, somehow.

Collins was more of an art based school and everything I thought I was looking for. It was smaller and artsy but something still felt...wrong. I'd visited the school 3 times desperately hoping I'd feel something different but I didn't. It still didn't feel the way I thought it was supposed to when I found the right college. I was confused though after I felt the same feeling after walking around MCC. I realized after my third visit that what I kept feeling wasn't "wrong", it was fear. I was honestly scared of how foreign the school atmosphere was to me.

On the way home from my third visit to Collin's I felt my eyes filling up. A lot was going through my head and that's the first time it all felt, "Real." I guess I just didn't think it would come so fast...
I knew had I not been home-schooled my whole life that I wouldn't be seeing college as such a heavy step. I still don't regret homeschooling though, it kept me healthy and kept my head straight but now I have no idea how to handle much outside of it.

Since my 7th grade year and living with CF, I've liked knowing exactly what to expect each day and how to have a plan for every scenario. After a while it becomes a comfortable habit. So naturally I'm nervous about the "surprises" college will throw at me and how I'm going to tackle them.     

A few days before I chose my school mum and dad took me down to ASU to look around the art department. It wasn't what I expected. It was bright and open. I liked it and finally didn't feel so caged in.
I decided on MCC for my first two years because it was brighter and open similar to ASU..It finally felt like the right choice once it sank in and I couldn't be more relived....

I realized that eventually, everyone will grow up and the more you do, the harder it is to keep Neverland from fading. It's up to the person just how much "pixie dust" you do or don't lose, but I think it's always important to keep a little with you throughout life. Without it you'd be boring.