Part 2: Sometimes knowing isn't what's best

So I enter the testing room feeling numb and take my first shot. Immediately I check the screen to see the numbers. WHAM. It's like a bus hit me dead on. I was down, and not just by a little. I felt nothing. Just stared at the screen that viewed 45%. I couldn't breathe, all I could see was the memory of an IV being jammed into my arm and a gas mask put over my face. I wanted to scream. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!" I thought. "WHY CAN'T I JUST GET BETTER?!"I fell into a nearby chair and put my hands on my head pretending to be somewhere else. I was way passed gone now. After forcing myself into more tests to try and bring the number up I hit my tops with about 48%. Still down. I don't remember much after that other than just shaking my head in the waiting room. Mom mentioned that ever since I started looking at my numbers, I have gotten lower percentages. She was right. I was so focused on that screen that the stress had caused me to panic, then perform more poorly. Looking at the numbers helped me out absolutely ZERO. In fact, I think it made me worse. Dr. Gong could see the look on my face. One he'd seen before; the face of no hope. He gets me and I like that. I was put on 3 weeks of an oral drug and was requested back in a month. It was up to me now to keep trying and keep doing what I was doing. I'm not very religious but every night I'd pray for a change. That's when I realized, sometimes knowing isn't what's best.